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Eight Facts you’d be Surprised to Learn About New Year’s Day

8. You will disappear if you refuse to acknowledge it.

Scientists have shown a statistical significance to the number of people who spontaneously combust on or near Jan. 1 every year, especially those who also classified on standard social psychology tests as “loners,” “antisocial,” “semi-social,” and “confused,” though in the Northern regions of Canada and Russia standard deviations were themselves combusting…

7. Ladies, if you go for a jog on New Year’s Day, you’ll get pregnant.

The gravitational pull of the New Year is always toward the ovaries, always—think of it this way: you know how gravity is nothing more than the curvature of space and we happen to feel it as a “force”? Well, on New Year's Day, for reasons unknown to science, but currently under investigation at universities across the U.S. and its allies, an extra dimension somehow influences the curvature of space and all things (semen and otherwise). It bends their otherwise straight trajectories right to the ovaries, and the motions caused by jogging sync the wavelengths of all impregnating substances with the wavelengths of ovaries.

6. There is no such thing as midnight on New Year’s.

See mathematics concepts on infinite points in any line, including time, the non-existence of zero, various Eastern concepts of eternity, etc...

5. A cock resembles Abraham Lincoln and a vagina resembles a leaping horse, at 12:00:01 and until 12:03:00 AM.

Recent technology has allowed us to view aspects of our phenomenal world we never knew existed before. Across various age groups, races, and sexes, cameras that sense ultraviolet light and juxtapose those to x-rays and science were installed inside underpants during New Year’s celebrations.

4. Y2K happens every fucking year, but we smoke too much pot to remember and Anonymous just resets everything.

All I'm saying is that entities you may not think are your friend, may just be…

3. More important things happen every day, in your own life.

We all like to get into Double Rainbows, most of us like to gather and get excited about something special that’s bigger than us, not saying we shouldn’t, and neither is science—just saying the way YOU treat your kid or your friend or your enemy or yourself is almost always way more significant than the things we choose to celebrate.

2. I find myself in one of those sex video things online, singing “Landslide” while I jack-off, at 12:05 am, January 1, every year since...1995.

You know, if I kept this to myself, there’d be no discussions about “alcoholism” interventions...

1. It Doesn’t make sense.

If you think about it, a year recycles every day. It doesn’t reset just once per year; every single moment is the birth of a new year…

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