Dear All Weird Days,
Have you ever received a love letter? Was is filled with romantic and flowery prose? Was it peppered with cliches and worn out words designed and used over centuries to invoke some sort of passionate response from the masses? Boring. Utterly boring.
And so I turn to you at All Weird Days to help me. I want, no- I NEED a fucked up love letter! A letter to all those who don't subscribe to the traditional means of love and loving. Think Bukowski. Think of how a Necrophiliac longs for his dead lover. Of how a Dom misses her Sub. How would a Jon profess his love to a lady of the night?
Help me AWDs! It's a huge gaping hole in my life to not know the power of a love letter from someone whose head is as warped as mine can be. I trust you can help me fill this hole.
Or can I call you “Sweet Jesus Akron, Ohio!”? Just like I did that night when you gave me romantic head in that construction dumpster... Man, that was a hot-sexy night! That was the first time I ever experienced the ecstasy of having rotten bananas squished all over my body.
I have never met anybody else who loves digging through trash as much as I do, and honestly, I never thought that I would. But then you came along, wagging your fine hepatitis ass in the air like a stuck gopher in that tiny dumpster in the alley in the rain. Man, you were lucky that I came along and pulled you out of there! I guess we were both just "coming along" into each other’s lives, and my God if you haven’t changed my purpose in life!
When I pulled you out of the dumpster that night, your shirt caught on the edge and ripped a little bit, exposing your milky white flesh, and I knew right then that you were the sexiest little thing I had ever seen in my life in the last hour. I’m not normally into skinny chics, but I thought the bones protruding from your shoulders and hips were sexy as hell! I mean, I almost melted and went to Heaven and stuff, like taking in a stray dog that probably has some rabies or some shit, but none of that matters when you’re in Love!
Your scent makes my shirt melt a little, and I think I could smell it every day forever and almost never get sick of it. I will just buy more shirts and get your smell on every single one of them, because that’s what I would do for you. I don’t care if everybody says you smell like urine, because none of that matters when Urine Love! HaHA! LOL! That was a great joke, but I was only able to pull it off because you really just… get me!
I know you love my sense of humor, and that’s really probably why you fuck me, but I have to be honest here: I really appreciate it. I mean, I appreciate that you enjoy me for more than the meaty sausages I can provide. I think we have a real connection. Neither of us sees the contents of a dumpster as “Trash” because we both see it as “Treasure.” Also, cocaine is a real treasure when you find it. Let me know if you find any. Because I want to share everything with you, baby! But seriously let me know if you find any.
I used to think that there was nothing as amazing as finding that perfectly good half-sandwich in the trash, until I realized there is nothing more amazing than finding someone special to share that half-sandwich with. I would even give you the tomato, unless you didn’t like tomatoes, then I would even give you the pickle, because I know you like pickles...
I remember the first time I saw your face, partially covered by that brownish liquid from getting stuck upside-down in that dumpster in the rain, the beautiful warm rain of the April Showers in Tucson. I knew that if you could handle having that shit all over your face, then you could actually Love a man like me. Tuffy, I don’t know how else to say this, but I love you like a starving animal. I love your spirit of adventure, I love your pragmatic approach to every new day, and I love your twisted love-making. You are like the finest piece of an expensive collection of really fancy stuff, and so rare is the bird who makes the strangest noises. I know that we will forever be together, forever…