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Affording A Candy Bar

March 24, 2016

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Camillus of Lellis kneels onto dry and dusty gravel and winds a string between his toes and around his feet, and then walks a mile into town, basically barefoot, in mid-thigh-length khaki shorts and a pleasantly blue sweater.

 

Walking over the doormat before entering the convenience store, he feels the tough, fibrous mat stimulate the bottom of his mostly bare feet. “Sensation is the gateway to life.” He licks the thought from his mind with a thoughtless lingual spasm and a deep breath and re-enters some old cognitive modality. Before he knows it, he’s having thoughts about how much he used to love sour candy and suddenly he’s browsing the candy aisle, with no intention whatsoever of buying anything, especially in this 'cautious' time of life when he has no dental insurance.

 

“Why engage unnecessary Statistical Dynamics?” Camillus reasoned. He used to call it Fate, or Fortune, and he knows on some intuitive level that he has subtly redressed and updated Lady Fortune in a garment called Statistics: Sort of scientific, sort of logical, and yet allows degrees of freedom and promises retribution for taking Her trends with a grain of salt.

 

He tries to recall the covers of Fortune magazines that he has seen. Seems like it’s usually middle-aged guys staring as if they’re the source of Light, and why wouldn’t they be if they’re on the cover of Fortune Magazine?

 

Past the candy aisle now, looking at the beverages in the refrigerators; he has no idea why he came here. Again, he doesn’t really feel like spending even a few bucks on anything. He’s tired of spending money. Even a few dollars. Being poor, and a bit confused about how people have expendable money, makes one at least gun-shy, if not substantially confused, with things like Fortune magazine.

 

And come on: What do statistics actually describe? And don’t you dare say tendencies of natural phenomena, because that’s just describing the nature of statistics, not what they describe. For instance, what body do they describe? What is the discrete event of a statistic? Does this make sense? Talking doesn’t really make sense.

 

But, when all this has been said, why not play the same statistics that insurance companies play to make enormous profits? Because I really can’t afford to buy a candy bar...

 

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